“Hello, friends. Jim Nantz here alongside Phil Simms as we get you ready for Thursday night’s tilt between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins live from FedEx Field. I’ll now throw it to Phil for his comments on tonight’s game, and would like to remind our viewers to please turn on closed captioning for this and all of Phil’s segments tonight.”
I complained three weeks ago when the Giants were inexplicably a part of the season’s first Monday Night Football game of the year, because they are absolutely dreadful and even more dreadful to watch. Yet here we are again staring another prime time Giants game right in the face. What have we done to deserve this?
On the plus side, we get a chance to see if Kirk Cousins can keep up his excellent start for Washington. So…that’ll be fun.
Last week, Kevin Roberts went 12-4 and I went 11-5, bringing our season records to 29-18 for Kevin and 30-17 for me. Suck it, Roberts.
New York Giants (1-2) @ Washington Redskins (1-2)
Kevin Roberts: Redskins – Wash is at home and Kirk Cousins has looked fantastic. The end for RGIII is here, but it will take wins to make it real. Here’s win No. 2 for Kirk.
Taylor Smith: Redskins – I’m still hesitant to fully buy-in on Kirk Cousins being some super hero, and his real tests will come in the two games after this when the Redskins take on Seattle and Arizona.
Green Bay Packers (1-2) @ Chicago Bears (2-1)
Kevin: Bears – My Packers have looked awful in 10 of 12 quarters this year. Even a banged-up Bears secondary can’t save them right now.
Taylor: Packers – For whatever reason the Packers seem to be in the Bears’ heads no matter what the circumstance. The Packers have looked dreadful, but they should be able to find some success against whoever the hell Chicago is using in the defensive backfield now.
Tennessee Titans (1-2) @ Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
Kevin: Colts – Indy gets its first home win against Jake Locker’s puffy wrist.
Taylor: Colts – I don’t have any idea whatsoever how the Titans whipped Kansas City so badly in Week 1. They are atrocious.
Buffalo Bills (2-1) @ Houston Texans (2-1)
Kevin: Texans – Two teams with sad sacks under center. Who emerges? Probably the home team. Go Texans?
Taylor: Texans – RYAN FITZPATRICK REVENGE.
Carolina Panthers (2-1) @ Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
Kevin: Ravens – Just when we were going to crown the Panthers, last week happened. Steve Smith is about to open a can.
Taylor: Ravens – I don’t know how much longer Steve Smith’s zombified corpse is going to continue to rule the world, but it seems like a safe bet that it’ll continue this week because REVENGE.
Detroit Lions (2-1) @ New York Jets (1-2)
Kevin: Jets – Detroit’s defense is looking super legit, but New York can hang on that front line all day. Geno Smith just needs to not mess it up this time.
Taylor: Lions – Trusting the Lions to do anything is risky as hell, let alone win a road game, but maybe their defense has turned a corner? I don’t even think the Jets are bad!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)
Kevin: Steelers – Mike Glennon to the rescue? Few funnier jokes have been told.
Taylor: Steelers – Tampa is kinda lucky that they have the injury excuse to bench Josh McCown. Nice signing, Bucs.
Miami Dolphins (1-2) vs. Oakland Raiders (0-3) in London
Kevin: Dolphins – This is a good chance for Oakland to get a win, but they’re still the Raiders, so nah.
Taylor: Dolphins – I don’t know what the eff Joe Philbin was doing with his stupid noncommittal charade all week, but then again I guess I don’t know what Joe Philbin is doing the rest of the time, either. Definitely not “coaching football” well.
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3) @ San Diego SuperChargers (2-1)
Kevin: Chargers – I like the change to Bortles but it’s not enough. The Chargers at home suddenly ridding themselves of the “slow start” aura. 3-1 sounds pretty nice.
Taylor: Chargers – This would be a very Chargers game to lose, but the Jaguars seem incapable of winning at all. Yet again.
Atlanta Falcons (2-1) @ Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
Kevin: Falcons – I’m not sure last week was the real Falcons, but unfortunately the last two weeks have been the real Vikings. Teddy Bridgewater can’t stop the awful from coming.
Taylor: Falcons – I think Teddy Bridgewater is going to be pretty good. But his Vikes probably won’t be able to keep up with ATL’s offense this week.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-0) @ San Francisco 49ers (1-2)
Kevin: 49ers – Philly can’t go on winning forever, while Jim Harbaugh teams simply don’t lose three straight.
Taylor: 49ers – Something is obviously wrong with San Francisco, but they absolutely cannot afford to drop into a 1-3 hole in that division.
New Orleans Saints (1-2) @ Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
Kevin: Cowboys – New Orleans is a trendy pick to right the ship here, but their defense is awful and Dallas is at home. Call me crazy, but Tones Romes got his mojo back last week, too.
Taylor: Saints – *Calls Kevin crazy. *Makes trendy pick
New England Patriots (2-1) @ Kansas City Chiefs (1-2)
Kevin: Patriots – Tom Brady needs to finally come alive, and I think it happens this week on Monday Night Foobaw. Alex Smith, the usual safe game manager, comes on strong with ALL the interceptions.
Taylor: Chiefs – The Patriots are weak on offense, and I’m gonna hope the tough times continue at Arrowhead in a night game.
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