First off, don’t watch this game. There are very few things worse than preseason football. It doesn’t even count as football. Go outside. Go out to dinner. Have sex with your significant other. Buy a boat. Stare at the wall. I could list billions of things I’d rather do than watch this dogshit game. I live in San Diego and have a semi rooting interest in the Cowboys and even I won’t be watching a second of this trash. If you are gonna be tuning into this, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Anyway, let’s get going here.
1. Brandon WEEDEN
“Brendan Wheaton” is starting this game for the Cowboys with Tony Romo sitting out nursing his destined-to-be-reinjured back. Who doesn’t love watching Brandon Weeden? Everyone. Jerry Jones went so far as to label Weeden as a “developmental project” type when the Cowboys decided to sign him this offseason, which is pretty hilarious considering Weeden is like three years younger than Romo. By the time Romo is washed-up Weeden will already be like 40. With the likelihood that Romo winds up getting hurt again this season, we could see a healthy dosage of regular season Weeden, which I think is what we all want for ‘Merica’s team.
2. Maybe Jerry Jones will say something insane
Every time Jerruh opens his mouth he says something insane that makes no sense whatsoever, so this really isn’t a stretch here. But he’s kinda been laying low since those weirdass photos of him getting a fistful of boob and shoving one poor girl into his crotch came out earlier in the week, so we may not even hear from him. But it’s always an entertaining adventure hearing him attempt to speak, so hopefully someone shoves a mic into his face. He craves the spotlight, though, so perhaps he’ll be available.
3. Bolo tie?
Philip Rivers is another insane person, which is obvious because no sane person would voluntarily have like 11 kids. He also seems to be someone open to doing bits, though, so I support Philip here. He famously broke out the bolo tie last year when the Chargers were making their late push toward the playoffs, which was hilarious in its tackiness. Bring back the bolo. He’s also another candidate to say something crazy if given the opportunity. Fingers crossed.
4. The inevitable postgame brawl that makes the news
There was a fight in the parking lot at Qualcomm Stadium last year after these two teams met in late September, so we have history to go on here. We got some pretty awesome footage there of a poor fella being crushed over the head with a beer bottle, so perhaps someone will be out for revenge tonight. I’m not advocating some kind of Dodger Stadium-level idiocy here, of course, but a small, harmless kerfuffle might be fun. A huge chunk of football fans are fat, bro-y buffoons, so this one seems inevitable.
5. Danny Woodcock
The Chargers have Danny Woodhead, also known colloquially as Danny Woodcock. And you’re damn right I just used that as an excuse to post this glorious video.
Photo Credit – suzismini via Flickr