The Cleveland Browns are the talk of the NFL these days, at least when the league isn’t weakly punishing domestic abusers or completely ignoring drunk/drugged-up owners. Actually, I’ll amend that. Johnny Manziel is the talk of the NFL, not the Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns are kinda just there on the periphery of the actual story, trying to chime-in and make it seem as though they’re the ones in charge. They aren’t. This is the same franchise whose owner just paid nearly $100M worth of fines to the federal government in order to avoid prosecution for some pretty seedy shit.
He also apparently takes draft advice from homeless guys. That story in and of itself is insane and surely fake. I love how the homeless man “looked up” at him, as if he was lying down in a pool of his own filth in the streets of Cleveland and somehow recognized the Browns’ spare owner. “Draft Manziel.” Sounds good, homeless guy! Clearly you’re someone whose advice I should heed!
(I like to imagine Haslam hired the homeless man and they had him in their war room on draft night. NFL Network shows us live footage of the Browns HQ and there’s a guy with fingerless gloves in the corner of the room huddling over a barrel on fire.)
(Wait, this could be a movie! GET COSTNER ON THE LINE.)
Since taking the fake vagabond’s advice and drafting John Football, the Browns have tried to act tough and say that Manziel is just a lowly rookie and needs to work his way up if he ever wants to be the starter for this mighty franchise. “Johnny Manziel, starting for US!? Hahaha! POPPYCOCK!” If given the chance they’d definitely make Johnny ride the team plane in steerage and serve him cafeteria gruel.
We’ve covered at length the hilarious dysfunction of this franchise in recent years. Both of their 2012 first-round picks are already gone. They’ve changed coaches twice since Haslam bought the team…which was also in 2012. He’s also had two general managers canned one CEO. They’ve also sucked for eternity. Not exactly a model of stability here.
I’m not even sure why they keep insisting on serving us this bullshit platter, anyway. It’d be one thing if Manziel were competing with some proven commodity for the team’s starting gig. He’s not. Their “starter” is Brian fucking Hoyer, who played three games for this thing before blowing out his knee last year. Before coming to the Browns prior to last season, Hoyer was kicked around between the Patriots, Steelers and Cardinals. Arizona barely even gave him a look in 2012 when their incumbent starter was something called Ryan Lindley. He’s pretty damn spare.
Hoyer played well in those three games with Cleveland last year, all of which were wins. Considering the Browns won four games last year total, that’s not too shabby. Plus, he’s from Cleveland! BLUE COLLAR. Following the team’s practice on Monday, Hoyer said, “To me, this is my team unless somebody tells me otherwise.” B’aww, how cute. Good that you’re confident, I guess? Surely nothing galvanizes teammates like Brian Hoyer claiming to be your leader.
Lost in all of this is the fact that we’re still talking about Brian Hoyer, NFL spare. Early last month we saw reports that the Browns had entered negotiations with Hoyer regarding a possible contract extension. Really? Bluff city. You’re not signing Hoyer to some long extension, morons. Nobody believes you. Shut up, already.
Assuming he doesn’t completely crater during the rest of the preseason (which he won’t), Johnny Foobaw is going to be the starter for this thing on opening day. And Brian Hoyer will go back to what Brian Hoyer does, which is hold a clipboard and feign involvement in the goings-on on the field.
Photo Credit – Erik Daniel Drost/Flickr