Reports have been all over the place about Johnny Manziel and where he will or won’t go in the 2014 NFL Draft. I’ve finally figured it out. If you also cannot wait to see exactly where Johnny Football will play in 2014, read on:

1. Houston Texans – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

He’s a Texas kid and they need a quarterback, so why not?

2. St. Louis Rams – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Sam Bradford is owed a crap load of cash, tore up his knee and never wins. Why not?

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Chad Henne. That is all.

4. Cleveland Browns – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Brian Hoyer. That is all.

5. Oakland Raiders – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Because no one should go through another season of Matt Schaub being a starting quarterback.

6. Atlanta Falcons – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Trade bait, naturally.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Mike Glennon weeps.

8. Minnesota Vikings – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

They don’t have a quarterback, either.

9. Buffalo Bills –Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

E.J. Manuel blows.

10. Detroit Lions – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

He’ll convert to wide receiver.

11. Tennessee Titans – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Jake Locker isn’t the future.

12. New York Giants – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Eli is regressing, yo.

13. St. Louis Rams – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

So nice they drafted him twice!

14. Chicago Bears – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Jay Cutler is never healthy.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Big Ben’s clock is tickin’.

16. Dallas Cowboys – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Romo has a bad back and is 34. And Jerry Jones is a psycho.

17. Baltimore Ravens – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Trade bait!

18. New York Jets – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Geno Smith…hahahahaha

19. Miami Dolphins – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Oddly enough, they’ll bring in Johnny Football to play right tackle. There’s nothing he can’t do!

20. Arizona Cardinals – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Carson Palmer just signed up for his weekly AARP magazine.

21. Green Bay Packers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

It’s the new Brett Favre!

22. Philadelphia Eagles – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Wait’ll Chip Kelly gets a load of Manziel.

23. Kansas City Chiefs – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Alex Smith and his contract negotiations can suck it.

24. Cincinnati Bengals – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

We’ve seen the best of The Red Rifle, have we not?

25. San Diego Chargers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Cuz everyone is sick of that sidearm shit.

26. Cleveland Browns – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

The Browns need all the luck they can get, so they made sure they drafted him by doing it twice.

27. New Orleans Saints – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Brees is getting old, so that about says it.

28. Carolina Panthers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Yes, Newton needs receivers this bad.

29. New England Patriots – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Tom Terrific is aging rapidly and Ryan Mallett is on his way out.

30. San Francisco 49ers – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Excellent backup for Kap.

31. Denver Broncos – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

The future!

32. Seattle Seahawks – Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Russell Wilson, 2.0!

In case you didn’t know, it was all a joke!

About The Author Kevin Roberts

Breaking Football's lead fantasy football expert. Top 40 finisher in FantasyPros accuracy challenge in 2012 and 2013. Your huckleberry.